So I guess I’ve had a rather busy week, I’ve managed to get a new job, working at a local nursery. It’s going really well and the staff and parents are lovely. I just keep feeling like I’m going to go back down to that dark place within myself again and it’s scary getting my life back to normal or what it once was. Admittedly I’ve had a nice chilled out sunday with Tom. We had breakfast in bed, watched futurama and well had some really great us time if you catch my drift. Admittedly we’ve had some problems in that department but somehow they seem to be working out.
I feel like I’m beginning to get clingy and scared and stuff again. It’s like sometimes I don’t know what to do or to say. My friend Emily has depression and she had a bad time this past week, having herself gone up to A and E four times. I went out with her and her boyfriend last night for a meal and although I had a nice time, and I do care about her, I feel like she triggers me a lot. I always seem to feel low after going out with her and I have got my own problems and stuff to do without feeling like shit all the time. Its hard when you feel like crying or just not caring all the time. I mean they won’t give me any medication until they know what is wrong with me and I just feel like giving up sometimes but a part of me says that I’ve got to keep strong and carry on.
I find my depression and anxiety really hard sometimes. I think it all stems not only from losing my dad when I was a teenager, but from my somehow stupid brain wanting to keep everyone else happy around me when I feel like shit on the inside. I seem to go above and beyond for anyone but myself, as in I was trying to help Emily last night, but somehow came home feeling low anyway. And if anyone argues or shouts at me over something stupid, I just feel like crap. I’m still smoking although of course Tom doesn’t know that I’ve picked it up again, but it’s the only thing that is keeping me calm. I know that I don’t want to die, but I just am finding life harder at the minute and I don’t know what to do with myself half the time. However writing it all out on my wordpress does seem to help me a lot.
So as in relation to wanting to keep everyone happy, I’m not sure where that thought process comes from, but I think it must have started when I was at school. I always had to be in the middle of friendship groups as well as being pressured to choose between friends and being bullied on top of that. I hardly have any friends from school now, if I see any of them out and about I say Hi but that’s about it these days. I’ve always felt like I’ve been pushed or pulled or made to do things in my past that I don’t particularly want to talk about here because God knows who reads my crap. I just find it hard to say no to people, but I really want to be able to go out and enjoy my life too without feeling like I have a massive cloud over my head all the fucking time. I guess its a good thing that I haven’t been picking and scratching my thumbs like I used to do, I just keep feeling like there is this invisible pressure in my head that says, “Be happy, be good and don’t tell anyone how you feel” kind of thing you know. It’s funny how I can go from being happy one minute to feeling low again the next.
I just wish that they would hurry up and diagnose me already so I can get better.